you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
