Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
