I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
