i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
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Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
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Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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