I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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