come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
