What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
