i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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