i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
