soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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