Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
