And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
