Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
