i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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