I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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