I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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