I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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