Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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