My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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