I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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