my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
