here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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