Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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