yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
my shit smells like andre
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
