somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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