Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
