I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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