I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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