omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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