im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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