i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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