Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
