We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
