...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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