uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
