Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
