True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
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Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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