I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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