she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
