Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
