In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
