she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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