Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
