she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i've created a new STD.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize