I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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