When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
