i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
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