There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
