do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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