my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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