I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
