you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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