There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
