I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
