I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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