I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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