His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
we're making bets on your personal life
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
