Only a mothe r could love this liver
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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