I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
