Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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