you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
